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If you guys want to follow us while chasing. go to Chasertv.com We're not live yet but will be in an hour or 2. Search for John Lajoie. We're on the road now.

Well the Blazer isn't Olympic White :hmm:

website is down. i hate my life

i want home.

---------- Post added at 12:51 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:50 PM ----------

mah package-delivered :cheeky:
:fuckyeah:

i almost :jester: hard when i got a call and the guy on the other end said "the website is down." if only i were playing D00M at the time

Quote:

Originally Posted by SarkOzy (Post 91021)

i almost :jester: hard when i got a call and the guy on the other end said "the website is down." if only i were playing D00M at the time

Quote:

Originally Posted by theholycow (Post 91022)

BOFH? :jester:

:lolwut:

black out, fuck hookers :shrug:

You guyz no know BOFH?

Bastard Operator From Hell. Funny shit for IT guyz, maybe not so funny for users.

Mira: http://www.google.com/search?q=bofh

---------- Post added at 01:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:57 PM ----------

The Bastard Operator From Hell #1 Back To Index

It's backup day today so I'm pissed off. Being the BOFH, however, does have it's advantages. I reassign null to be the tape device - it's so much more economical on my time as I don't have to keep getting up to change tapes every 5 minutes. And it speeds up backups too, so it can't be all bad can it? Of course not.

A user rings.

"Do you know why the system is slow?" they ask.

"It's probably something to do with..." I look up today's excuse "... clock speed."

"Oh" (Not knowing what I'm talking about, they're satisfied) "Do you know when it will be fixed?"

"Fixed? There's 275 users on your machine, and one of them is you. Don't be so selfish - logout now and give someone else a chance!"

"But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need is one page of Laser Print."

"SURE YOU DO. Well; You just keep telling yourself that buddy!" I hang up.

You'd really think people would learn not to call.

The phone rings. It'll be him again, I know. That annoys me. I put on a gruff voice.

"HELLO, SALARIES!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number."

"YEAH? Well what's your name buddy? Do you know WASTED phone calls cost money? DO YOU? I've got a good mind to subtract your wasted time, my wasted time, and the cost of this call from your weekly wages! IN FACT I WILL! By the time I've finished with you, YOU'LL OWE US money! WHAT'S YOUR NAME - AND DON'T LIE, WE'VE GOT CALLER ID!!"

I hear the phone drop and the sound of running feet - he's obviously going to try and get an alibi by being at the Dean's office. I look up his username and find his department. I ring the Dean's secretary.

"Hello?" she answers.

"HI, SIMON, B.O.F.H HERE, LISTEN, WHEN THAT GUY COMES RUNNING INTO YOUR OFFICE IN ABOUT 10 SECONDS, CAN YOU GIVE HIM A MESSAGE?"

"I think so..." she says,

"TELL HIM HE CAN RUN, BUT HE CAN'T HIDE.'"

"Um. Ok."

"AND DON'T FORGET NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT FILE IN YOUR ACCOUNT WITH YOUR ANSWERS TO THE PURITY TEST IN IT..."

I hear her scrabbling at the terminal...

"DON'T BOTHER - I HAVE A COPY. BE A GOOD PERVY AND PASS THE MESSAGE ON."

She sobs her assent and I hang up. And the worst thing is, I was just guessing about the purity test thing. I grab a quick copy anyway, it might make for some good late-night reading.

Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds. Modern technology is wonderful, isn't it?

Another user rings.

"I need more space" he says

"Well, why not move to Texas?" I ask

"No, on my account, stupid."

Stupid? Uh-Oh.

"I'm terribly sorry" I say, in a polite manner equal to that of Jimmy Stewart in a Weekend Family Matinee Feature "I didn't quite catch that. What was it that you said?"

I smell the fear coming down the line at me, but it's too late, he's a goner and he knows it.

"Um, I said what I wanted was more space on my account, *please*"

"Sure, hang on."

I hear him gasp his relief even though he'd covered the mouthpeice.

"There, you've got *plenty* of space now!"

"How much have I got?" he simps.

Now this *REALLY* *PISSES* *ME* *OFF*! Not only do they want me to give them extra space, they want to check it, then correct me if I don't give them enough! They should be happy with what I give them *and that's it*!

Back into Jimmy Stewart mode.

"Well, let's see, you have 4 Meg available."

"Wow! Eight Meg in total, thanks!" he says, pleased with his bargaining power.

"No" I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red at room temperature, with steak, extra rare, to follow; "4 Meg in total.."

"Huh? I'd used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg Available?"

I say nothing. It'll come to him.

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggh hhhhH!"

I kill me, I really do!

:roflwtf:

Quote:

Don’t get me wrong. I’m as likely to get workplace trauma counselling as the next guy – especially when the company’s tame shrink is an ancient old boiler who was probably there when time was invented. Still, as luck would have it she fell to her death from her slippers a couple of weeks back and the company was forced to contract in an updated model...

Which brings us to the new company counsellor, an attractive young thing who seems genuinely interested in the welfare of staff who’ve suffered workplace injuries - and as the company schedules four free sessions for near death experiences, I book myself in.

Arriving five minutes early gives me a chance to look over her newly furnished ground floor office, situated right alongside the security office - which I’m sure is just a coincidence.

The first thing I notice is the gold plated electrical contacts on the arms of the reclining chair which either mean there’s a lie/stress detector built into it or there’s an action replay of my Christmas recharge in the offing. Either way I decide that honesty is probably the best option.

. . .

“So,” she says, once I’ve settled in and told her about the PFY’s Christmas surprise, “You seem remarkably calm about the whole thing.”

“Well, it’s sort of expected in our line of work. Promotion via vacancy. I’ve invested so much time in educating my assistant in his chosen profession that it was inevitable that he’d seek advancement through dead man’s shoes – or in this case dead man’s smoked out automatic office chair. And trapping me is just proof of how good he's become.”

“And you in turn extracted a modicum of revenge in getting him booked in for a couple of weeks of dubious experimental psychiatric attention?”

“Sure. While I respect his ruthless quest for advancement I also must temper his ambition with the fear of reprisal - or I’d be forever looking over my shoulder."

"And this fear should be just sufficient enough to give him a moment of pause?”

"Indeed."

“And you don’t fear that this would simply set off a chain reaction of ever increasing reprisals?”

“No, no - you see at the end of the day we still have to work together in between reprisal attempts, so the magnitude of reprisals tends to diminish fairly rapidly.”

“It peters out?”

“Yes, this morning for instance. It was the PFY’s first day back so I would have been a fool to ingest any food or drink offered to me by him.”

“Because?”

“Because it would most likely be laced with Viagra, rat poison or horse laxative. Or all three for a really fun party.”

“And?”

“And in the end it was just the horse laxative.”

“Horse laxative – how did you know?”

“Oh, I passed the mochachino on to the Boss – the poor bastard was locked in the bog till the vet came. He was on a saline drip for half the morning to get his fluid levels back up.”

“That was a little cruel of you don’t you think?”

“No, cruel was shouting him two rounds of chili bhajis and a chicken vindaloo last night, as a 'Welcome to the Company' event.”

“I see. You seem quite proud of that?” she says, disapprovingly.

“Yes, well...” I burble.

“And you think that will be the end of the revenge?”

“Of course not. But in a week or so we should be back to normal.”

“And in the meantime?

“In the meantime I expect the PFY's tampered with the brakes and accelerator on my car so that touching either increases the speed exponentially. It’s what I would do.”

“And yet you don’t seem at all concerned about that. Why's that?”

“Oh, because I lent the Boss my car five minutes ago so he could get home after his morning’s illness.”

“You what?!”

“Oh please, don’t worry! I’m not a complete monster! I made sure he was one of the named parties on the insurance”

“You didn’t warn him!?”

“No, I was rather busy this morning. In any case I…”

My monologue is interrupted by the unmistakable sound of a car accelerating madly in the floor below us…

“Is that...” she gasps.

“Yes, I’d recognise that exhaust anywhere. That’ll be the PFY off on an unexpectedly fast circuit around the parking basement in his car.”

“In his car?”

“Yes, like I said, I was busy this morning. Working on tempering the PFY’s ambition. Remember when I said it was what I'd do? As it happened it'd what I did do.”

“But that would mean…”

“Wait!" I interrupt, holding up a finger as a second set of squealing tyres can be heard below us - “Now that would be my vehicle. Wonder who’ll make it to the exit first??”

“You’re a... a...”

“I know,” I nod gravely. “A ruthless IT professional who can address both the needs of the moment and the bigger picture. One for whom the mysteries of the future unfurl as if by magic. Our future for instance. Perhaps you’ve got time for a quick after-work drink? Maybe a bite to eat. I know a place that does a cracking chili bhaji...”

---------- Post added at 01:04 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:01 PM ----------

:roflmao: this one is good

Quote:

"So what I'd like to know," the Boss seethes, "is what the hell took you so long?"

"What do you mean 'so long'?" the PFY asks, sounding a little hurt.

"You left here FIVE HOURS AGO to pick up a replacement toner cartridge!"

"Yeah but..."

"TWO OF YOU! IN MY CAR!"

"You offered it!" I add. "But in any case we needed to be sure it was the correct toner cartridge."

"You could have taken an old one with you. ONE of you! We've got dozens of them laying about the place!"

"We've got dozens of old ones for the Multifunction devices, but none for the CEO's personal colour laser," the PFY says. "And he wanted a new one today because the replace cartridge light..."

"Otherwise known as the 'make the toner manufacturer tons of money lamp'," I add.

"...came on this morning," the PFY continues.

"And we couldn't take his old cartridge out because then he wouldn't be able to print anything today," I explain.

"But why does it take FIVE HOURS to get a replacement toner cartridge?"

"We were shopping around for the best price," I say. "What with the current financial climate and all, we thought it best to establish a supply channel for the least expensive replacement cost - which involved stopping at a number of suppliers."

"FIVE HOURS worth of suppliers?"

"To get a representative sample of suppliers we had to do a bit of leg work. And a reasonable amount of driving around."

"Yes, It's funny you should say that. You are aware that my vehicle has GPS tracking enabled?"

"We are now," I respond.

"After the third hour I took a look on the web to see where you were. Would you like to see the routed mapped out?"

"I... suppose so," the PFY says.

"You can see your trip as the red line here, stopping, here, here, here, there, there, there and there," he says, pointing to the road map on the webpage on his screen.

"Like I said, shopping around," I counter.

"And it's just a coincidence that several of the locations you stopped at were next to drinking establishments?"

"This is LONDON! Everywhere's close to a drinking establishment!"

"You smell of beer," he counters.

"We stopped for lunch," I say, a little hurt.

"Twice," the PFY adds unnecessarily. "Diabetes - I need the blood sugar."

"I..." the Boss says, deciding to abandon this topic for the time being. "Well, what's this then?"

"What's what?" the PFY asks.

"Here. The car stops, then backs up for 6 metres, forward for 6.5 metres, back 7 metres and then continues on it's way."

"Oh, that," the PFY says. "We noticed our Symantec reseller walking along the footpath."

"It was a gimme," I say. "We had to take it!"

"You ran someone down in my car?!"

"Technically YOU did - or at least that's what it'll look like when the fingerprint evidence is analysed," the PFY says.

"I... Uh..." the Boss mumbles.

"Just after you ran those red lights," I add.

"And before you parked in that no-parking zone," the PFY finishes. "The last part of that red line is on the back of a tow-truck."

"You bastards!"

"But we did manage to get a replacement toner cartridge for 3 pounds cheaper than on our standard suppliers website," I reply. "So if we extrapolate the savings on expected replacements of toner cartridges out over the entire workable life of the CEO's printer, we've probably saved the company... oh... nine pounds - give or take."

"Three pounds, let's be honest," the PFY says, having created a Moore's law of his own about the replaceability of desktop printers.

"Nin... Three p... Where's my car now then?" the Boss asks, scrolling the webmap.

"Police Impound Yard," the PFY says. "I'd probably call it in as stolen before I went to collect it though."

"I'm not making a false statement to the Police. They'd find out"

"It's possible," the PFY replies, "but all I know is that we've been here the whole day - and we can produce the timestamped CCTV footage to prove it. Alternatively..."

"What?" the Boss asks, sniffing a ray of hope.

"For fifty quid and a couple of favours I'm pretty sure we could produce video evidence to prove that you were also in the building the whole time..."

"I bloody was!!!"

"That's not what the CCTV footage is currently saying..."

"I..." the Boss sniffles, realising his options are extremely limited. "What are the favours?"

"Fifty quid" the PFY repeats, holding his hand out.

. . 30 seconds and 50 begrudged quid later . .

"What are the favours?"

"We actually forgot to pick up the toner cartridge," I admit. "So we need to you grab the Director's car keys off his desk..."

"!"

"Chop chop!" the PFY says. "We need to get this sorted before the weekend!"

. . 1 minute and a set of car keys later . .

"And the second favour?" the Boss asks

"Wait 10 minutes and call the Bloke that sold the CEO that Lotus Notes based CRM package."

"And tell him what?"

"Whatever you like," the PFY says. "Just make sure he's waiting on the footpath outside his building."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Keeler (Post 91016)

If you guys want to follow us while chasing. go to Chasertv.com We're not live yet but will be in an hour or 2. Search for John Lajoie. We're on the road now.

Supposed to get bad eh? What about in Marlow, OK? Thats where my truck be sleeping tonight....or tell me where the biggest hail is supposed to be and I will drive it there :happy:

:wtf: is that shit?

i was referring to the epic video of the IT guy about "the website is down"

Oh, that piece of crap...yeah, that one sucks. I don't want to watch some BOFH-wannabe playing DOOM for ten minutes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SarkOzy (Post 91031)

:wtf: is that shit?

i was referring to the epic video of the IT guy about "the website is down"

0oo i see what you did there
:sneaky:
and hes flipping back and forth between screens and shit right? :roflshrug:

Quote:

Phoenix police are investigating an incident on a Southwest Airlines flight where a woman allegedly grabbed a child who was kicking the back of her seat in March.

James Holmes of the Phoenix Police Department said a mother is pressing charges against a 42-year-old woman who allegedly assaulted her 3-year-old boy while they were on Southwest flight 582 heading to Las Vegas at the gate of Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport on Mar. 21 at about 7 p.m.

No arrests have been made because police are still gathering names of witnesses from Southwest Airlines, but the mother described the incident to police:

Her three-year-old son either kicked or put his feet up on the back of the woman's seat when she turned around and grabbed him. The woman told the child, "You're not going to be kicking my seat all the way to Las Vegas," while she shook him and then slammed him back on the seat, the mother told police.

She and other passengers began to argue with the woman after the incident, and both parties were taken off the plane to discuss the situation.

Staff had assured her that the woman would not be allowed back on the flight, and she returned to her seats with her children, Holmes said. The woman, however, did board the same plane again, and chose to sit in the same seat over other empty seats.

During the flight, the woman harassed the family and threw garbage at them. The mother told police that the woman appeared to be intoxicated.

i wouldve done that and much more

ya cez.

cao, i'm not our actual IT guy per se, but i end up doing all of that shit. :roflshrug:

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2005_Silverado (Post 91034)

i wouldve done that and much more

what a cunt

:roflmao: holy shit. thc i missed the story you posted. funny chit

Quote:

Originally Posted by SarkOzy (Post 91038)

:whoa:

[img]http://www.hattonsantiques.co.uk/gallery/640x480/ring-gold-3-carat.jpg[img]

hello left testicle :whoa:

Quote:

Originally Posted by theholycow (Post 90990)

I've found another facepalm that I really like but we already have so many. http://www.v8buick.com/images/smilies/kopfpatsch.gif

never enough facepalms :imo, want me to clean it up a little and maybe shrink it a bit? :fp2: maybe?

Or maybe just leave it how it is. FIDIL

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cez (Post 90991)

:rofl: word. it looks kinda sarcastic too lol

:word: thats why I like it. It's like "Chad spelled everything correctly! :clap:"

Quote:

Originally Posted by SarkOzy (Post 91003)

mmmmm reeses and cherry cz :drool:

---------- Post added at 01:15 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:12 PM ----------

:patriot:

[IMG]http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g194/06cs/Mobile%20Uploads/0510001250.jpg[IMG]

CZ is win

brah you haz hole in bampah

Quote:

Originally Posted by Manbearpig (Post 91005)

Dude sitting next to me during final had some serious BO :puke:

I hate that. :blah:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Keeler (Post 91016)

If you guys want to follow us while chasing. go to Chasertv.com We're not live yet but will be in an hour or 2. Search for John Lajoie. We're on the road now.

:hmm:

Quote:

Originally Posted by theholycow (Post 91032)

Oh, that piece of crap...yeah, that one sucks. I don't want to watch some BOFH-wannabe playing DOOM for ten minutes.

Halo :imo

Quote:

Originally Posted by SarkOzy (Post 91038)

:whoa:

[img]http://www.hattonsantiques.co.uk/gallery/640x480/ring-gold-3-carat.jpg[img]

Weren't you just saying something small and not too expensive because it won't change how mash she loves you? :insane:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Juan! (Post 91042)

never enough facepalms :imo, want me to clean it up a little and maybe shrink it a bit? :fp2: maybe?

Or maybe just leave it how it is. FIDIL

I doan know what cleaning up it could use, and I doan know how it would look shrunken...