LOL pics? :bishplz: LOL text...

[theholycow]

http://notalwaysright.com/this-veget...-herring/11407

Customer: “I’d like your chicken caesar wrap, please. With no chicken or bacon bits.”

Me: “Are you a vegetarian?”

Customer: “Yes, why?”

Me: “Well, I just wanted you to know that the caesar salad dressing has anchovy paste in it.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “Anchovy is a kind of fish.”

Customer: “I said I was vegetarian, not vegan.”

Actually I think some "vegetarians" eat fish...something about their qualities as a food and/or whether fish feel pain.

http://notalwaysright.com/brokers-with-chokers/11094

(We sell all types of insurance, including bonds. I am on the phone to a customer.)

Caller: “Do you guys do bondage there?”

Me: “Yes, sir. However, the gentleman that handles that is all tied up at the moment.”

Customer: “Oh. Haha. Um…yeah.”

http://notalwaysright.com/his-movie-...ck-solid/10984

(I’m selling tickets. An elderly man walks up with his two granddaughters.)

Customer: “What movies do you have for kids?”

Me: “Well, we have Gnomeo and Juliet in regular or 3D or Tangled.”

Customer: “Ga-nomeo and Juliet. We’ve already seen Tangled.”

Me: “Yes. Gnomeo and Juliet is really the only other movie we have for kids.”

Customer: “Okay. Two little ladies and one really old guy for Ga-nomeo and Juliet.” *pauses* “I’m so old, I invented rocks.”

Coolest old guy ever.

http://notalwaysright.com/losing-cruise-control/10158

(I am working in the fitting room when a woman walks up to my counter.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. How many items?”

Customer: “You don’t sell winter jackets, do you? I didn’t see any. Nothing like this that I bought at [other store]. This cost me only eighty-nine dollars!”

Me: “That’s very nice, ma’am.”

(I try to remain friendly as the woman shows me her jacket, her purse, and the shoes she is currently wearing. This goes on for about ten minutes.)

Customer: “You know, I went on a cruise a few weeks ago. Now I need to buy a swim suit, but I don’t suppose you have any, do you?”

Me: “Actually, we just got a bunch of bathing suits in a few weeks ago. They’re over in the corner of the women’s department.”

(The customer spends about ten more minutes telling me about all of the different cruises she had been on. I’m trying not to be rude, but I have other customers who are trying to get into the fitting room. One by one they go in, and one by one this customer stops them to tell them about all of her cruises. All in all, this lasts for about fifteen more minutes.)

Customer: “And would you believe that I’m fifty eight years old! I look great for my age, don’t you think? It’s because of all of the cruises I’ve been on! At least two a year. I’m very rich.”

Me: “That’s nice, ma’am.”

(Eventually, the customer’s husband comes over and grabs her by the arm.)

Customer’s husband: “Why are you still over here?! You’ve been here for nearly half an hour.”

Customer: “Oh, I was just telling this nice young lady about all of the cruises you’ve taken me on!”

Customer’s husband: “You’ve never been on a god d*** cruise in your entire life, you old bat!”

http://notalwaysright.com/the-lesser-of-teen-evils/9133

(A man and his two sons are checking out through my register. The younger of the two sons grabs a bag of Skittles from the candy selection.)

Son: “Dad, can I have some Skittles?”

Dad: “No. Teenage girls eat Skittles. And what are teenage girls?”

Both sons: *raising their little fists in the air* “EVIL!”

http://notalwaysright.com/one-sells-...cat-suits/9137

(I am the assistant manager at a store that specializes in adult videos and toys.)

Customer: “How did you end up here anyway?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “How did you end up working here?”

Me: “I applied?”

Customer: “No, I mean, what’s an innocent little girl like you doing working at a place like this?”

Me: “Well, you know how people who love animals work at pet stores?”

(The customer has a moment of realization and becomes clearly flustered.)

Customer: “Oh…well, excuse me.” *leaves hurriedly*

http://notalwaysright.com/phoney-request/9129

(Our store phone rings. A customer answers it before I can get to it.)

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “I’m sorry, that is the store phone. Please hand it over to me.”

Customer: “Go away! I’m trying to have a conversation here!”

(I step forward to take the phone away. I hear talking from the other end of the phone.)

Caller: “Why, hello there! Can I order some tampons, some birth control pills, and a thong?”

(Both the customer and caller are male. The customer gets embarrassed and thrusts the phone into my hands.)

Me: “Sorry about that, sir. What would you like?”

Caller: “Oh good, that idiot’s gone. Do you have any Metallica CDs in stock?”

http://notalwaysright.com/constant-n...-a-strain/7289

Customer: “Can you recommend a perfect anti-virus to use on my computer?”

Me: “At the rate viruses are coming out sir, there isn’t really any that protect your computer perfectly.”

Customer: “So they don’t really work?”

Me: “No, not really sir.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, which one doesn’t work the least?”

(That's really quite astute...that's exactly how it is.)

http://notalwaysright.com/aint-no-mo...ry-enough/6488

Me: “…and a large Dew.”

Customer: “I’m sorry, did you just call me a Jew?”

Customer’s wife: “But honey, you are a Jew.”

Me: “Oh no, sorry. I meant a large Mountain Dew.”

Customer: “Oh really? Really, I’m flattered but I’ve never been to the mountains.”

Me: “Ah, sorry?”

Customer: *comically bangs his fists against his chest* “I am the large mountain Jew!”

Customer’s wife: * to me* “I am so sorry about him. Honestly, I can’t take him anywhere.”

Me: “Really, it’s fine.”

Customer: “The large mountain Jew goes anywhere he wants to!”

That guy is made of win and I shall aspire to be that cool.

http://notalwaysright.com/a-timeless-request/11323

(The art director of a local mid-sized advertising agency always wants everything right away. In fact, all his job orders are coded
‘HSR’ – Hot Screaming Rush.)
Me: “You want this today?”

Customer: *blank look* “Of course I want it today. If I wanted it tomorrow, I’d have brought it in tomorrow!”

[BillyJeanKing]

your thread will fail because of the unwillingness of AOT'ers to read long ass text posts
























TL;DR

[theholycow]

At least read this one...this guy is my hero.

Me: “…and a large Dew.”

Customer: “I’m sorry, did you just call me a Jew?”

Customer’s wife: “But honey, you are a Jew.”

Me: “Oh no, sorry. I meant a large Mountain Dew.”

Customer: “Oh really? Really, I’m flattered but I’ve never been to the mountains.”

Me: “Ah, sorry?”

Customer: *comically bangs his fists against his chest* “I am the large mountain Jew!”

Customer’s wife: * to me* “I am so sorry about him. Honestly, I can’t take him anywhere.”

Me: “Really, it’s fine.”

Customer: “The large mountain Jew goes anywhere he wants to!”

[BillyJeanKing]

i jested

mabeh can haz success thread

[Cez★]

Read and chuckled

[VmaxEngage]

thought about laughing. but then i had to read

[shootermcgavin003]

reading

[Cez★]

Originally Posted by nekkidhillbilly

reading

i think this can apply here

[stonehenge]

All are win, especially Large Mountain Jew.

LMJ ftw

[shootermcgavin003]

ok i sit down and read this and teenage girls are evil

[stonehenge]

nhb is not amused

[shootermcgavin003]

actually that one made me

[stonehenge]

[theholycow]

http://notalwaysright.com/attack-of-the-cownivores/3084

(Most corn that is grown in Iowa is for livestock. We sell sweet corn at our stand that sits in front of our feed corn field by the road.)

Customer: “I want some of that corn.” *gestures toward feed corn field*

Me: “Oh, that’s not sweet corn. That’s feed corn.”

Customer: “What?! All corn is sweet corn.”

Me: “No, there is sweet corn grown especially for humans and feed corn grown for cattle.”

Customer: “Bulls***! I know you stupid hicks are trying to cheat me! Cows are meat-eaters!”

http://notalwaysright.com/beware-the-jabberwacky/3321

Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I canna ammas farl a mara amas mitt.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t quite understand that.”

Caller: “I camo olives for all a moron all this spit.”

Me: “I do apologize, but I’m not able to understand you still.”

Caller: “I….can’t…apollo…ferrari…a moral…on…this…day!!”

Me: “Sir, I can hear you, but I can not understand what it is that you are trying to tell me.”

Caller: “You speak Englits?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I speak English.”

Caller: “No! I said, you speak it?”

Me: “Yes, I do speak English, sir.”

Caller: “No you don’t! Give me somebody who speaks Englits!”

Me: “Well, I can understand you a bit more clearly now. How can I help you?”

Caller: “You gotta following a part a nards and fall away with ye?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t understand you again.”

Caller: “THEN YOU DON’T SPEAK ENGLITS, YOU FARCHMAN!” *click*

http://notalwaysright.com/magic-plows-snow-problem/4584

We had just received well over 15 inches of snow during the course of the night. Obviously, our buses were late and our subway system crowded.)

Customer: “My bus was 25 minutes late and I arrived to work late. My boss just gave me my final warning. One more lateness and I’ll be fired!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that but, as you can see, we currently have snow on the ground and there isn’t much we can do but to wait for the plow crews to finish their job.”

Customer: “Excuses! I got a final warning from my boss and I’m about to get fired!”

Me: “Okay. If it is of any help to you, I can mail an official letter to your boss certifying that your lateness was our fault and not yours.”

Customer: “No! I don’t want no letter from you guys. I’m about to get fired!”

Me: “Okay, I apologize for the inconvenience, but–”

Customer: “You know what would have been helpful? You guys should have performed a ‘preventative’ plowing before the snow fell!”

http://notalwaysright.com/underdevel...evelopers/4802

Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you?”

Caller: “I’m the number one web developer in Atlanta. I have a client base and I wanted to peruse your products. How do I get to your website?”

Me: “Our website is [site name] dot com.”

Caller: “Where do I type that?”

Me: “In your web browser, sir.”

Caller: “Found it! Is the ‘dot’ in ‘dot com’ a period?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Caller: “I typed it, now what do I do?”

Me: “Hit ‘Enter’, sir.”

Caller: “I don’t see that on my screen.”

Me: “It’s on your keyboard, sir.”

[stonehenge]

[theholycow]

Someone find this picture.
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous...+%28FMyLife%29
Today, I saw my picture in an architecture magazine. I'm not an architect. I was walking up a flight of "magnificently built" stairs as my skirt lifted to show an absence of underwear. FML

Cez's mom?
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous...+%28FMyLife%29
Today, someone came over and told my mother, "I'm your son's friend Morris, I need to get something out of his car", so she gave him the keys. I have no friend called Morris, and now I don't have a sound system either. FML

http://notalwaysright.com/ill-take-a...f-innuendo/443

(I was a pump attendant (Oregon is a no-self-serve state) and a fairly attractive middle-aged woman in a mid 90′s Ford pickup pulled up for fuel. Now, that style of truck has two gas tanks, one in front, one in back. Here’s our conversation

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Her: “I just need ten bucks worth of diesel, please.”

Me: “Okay, which tank?”

Her: “Oh, I think I’ll take it in the rear tonight!”

(We both paused, she turned bright red, and it was all I could do not to bust out laughing!)

http://notalwaysright.com/fully-arme...nine-wiles/660

(A very attractive woman gets out of a Mercedes. She is wearing a mini skirt and halter top. Her outfit leaves nothing to the imagination.)

Attractive Customer: “I need 20 on 3.”

Me: “Okay.” *I ring her up and she pays*

Attractive Customer: “So is someone else working or do you pump the gas?”

Me: “This is a self-service station; we don’t pump the gas for you.”

Attractive Customer: “Well, there is no way I am pumping the gas myself.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t pump the gas for you.”

Attractive Customer: “This is no way to get a tip! I am the customer and I want you to pump the gas for me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but if I leave the counter I could be fired. As I said this is a self service station; it means you have to do it yourself.”

Attractive Customer: “FINE!”

(She then walks out to her car and yells…)

Attractive Customer: “Is someone going to pump me or do I have to do it myself?!”

*every guy at the station goes running over to help her*

http://notalwaysright.com/ah-mothers/1234

(A mother and her teenage son come through my line…)

Me: “Hello, did you find everything you need?”

Mother: “Yes, we did.”

(I notice she is buying party items, including cups, soda, pizzas, napkins… and condoms.)

Me: “Oh, are you having a party soon?”

Mother: *nods* “My little James is growing up. He’s going to have an orgy with all his little friends, aren’t you Captain Muffinpants?”

Me: *suppresses laughter* “Will that be all?”

Son: “YES! YES THAT WILL BE ALL!” *runs to car*

http://notalwaysright.com/welcome-to...-part-3-2/1259

(I am watering the plants in the nursery, about two hours before closing time, and see a customer down the aisle.)

Me: “Can I help you find anything, sir? ”

Customer: “Uh… uh… ”

(I then notice that he’s peeing on some of our boxwoods.)

Me: “What–”

Customer: “I AM THE TERROR THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT!” ¬†*zips up and runs out*

Coworker: “Did that guy just quote Darkwing Duck at you?!”

Me: *drops watering hose* “I’m taking a break.”

Win.

http://notalwaysright.com/thisisspyware/1371

Customer: “Hi, my son says that I have spartans on my laptop and I should bring it to you guys.”

Me: “…Ma’am? Spartans?”

Customer: “Yes, I called my son at school and told him that screens keep popping up all the time, and he said that I have spartans.”

Me: “Oh! You mean trojans! That’s a possibility; let me run this analyzer on your laptop real quick and we’ll see what’s going on.”

Customer: “Young man, my son is in college and he says it has spartans. You just stand here in a little uniform and make minimum wage. I think my son knows what he is talking about.”

Me: “You’re right ma’am. I was hoping to run a diagnostic and find out that it wasn’t spartans, but just by looking at the login screen, I can tell that you probably have about 300 of the little guys running around.”

Customer: “300?! Is that bad?”

Me: “It’s horrible. They cram themselves into a bottleneck and kill wave after wave of data, until there is a wall of dead programs blocking any more traffic through your computer.”

Customer: “Oh, that just figures. I’m going to go buy a new computer.”

Me: “Ok, ma’am, I think that would be best.”

[stonehenge]

fuckin dark wing duck

[shootermcgavin003]

the gas pump happened here once sept bitch thought she was prettier than she was. she asked cashier to pump her gas he said pump my dick and i might.

[stonehenge]

Sent from my Droid X using Tapatalk

[theholycow]

http://notalwaysright.com/man-cannot...ter-alone/1401

Me: “Hello, ma’am. ¬†Can I get you anything to drink?”

Customer: “Yes, please. I would like a glass of water.”

Me: “Coming right up.”

Me: delivering the water* “There you are, ma’am. Have you decided what you want to order?”

Customer: *downing the water* “Wow, this water is great. Do you happen to have any more, sweetie?”

Me: “Er…yeah we do. Do you want another glass?”

Customer: “I would appreciate it.”

(I go to get her another glass of water, and as soon as I come back, she begins to speak up about the menu.)

Customer: “Oh Lord! Don’t you have any vegetarian stuff here?”

Me: “I’m sorry miss, but this is a bar and grill. We have salads, but they all come with chicken or beef.”

Customer: “That’s inhumane! Don’t you know what you’re doing to the animals?”

Me: “I think you should go to a vegan restaurant. What did you expect from a bar and grill?”

Customer: “Don’t give me your sass! I just want some non-animal food! Don’t you have any of that?”

Me: “Well..we have grilled cheese, and–”

Customer: *cutting me off* “WHAT?! CHEESE COMES FROM MILK, WHICH COMES FROM COWS! I’M NOT EATING THAT!”

Me: “I’m sorry then, ma’am, there’s really nothing for you here. Please quiet down; you’re disturbing the other customers.”

Customer #2: *from across the room* “Listen to what he tells you, you stupid b****!”

Customer: “Goodness! You god**** animal murderers deserve to go to hell! *pause* “Er, sonny, may I get another glass of that water?”

Me: “OUT!”

Customer #2: *from across the room* “Mmm… murder.”

http://notalwaysright.com/behind-eve...assed-wife/448

(The place I work at, our dining room closes at 10pm but the drive-through stays open all night. I had just locked both the dining room doors when a man comes up and starts banging on the 1st door. We start talking through the door.)

Me: “Sorry, we’re closed.”

Customer: “You screwed up my order!”

Me: “I’m sorry. You could go through our drive-through and they’d be happy to help you.”

Customer: “I just came through! They’re the ones that messed it up.”

Me: “I’m really sorry about that, if you go through again they’ll fix it for you.”

Customer: “I don’t have my car!”

Me: “But you said you just went through?”

Customer: “Yeah, but I don’t have my car anymore.”

Me: “I can give you our store number. If you call, we’ll replace your order tomorrow.”

Customer: “Just open the door!”

Me: “I can’t sir, we’re closed.”

(The man then walks around the store to the 2nd door and starts banging there.)

Me: “Sir, the only way we can fix this is if you go through the drive-through or give us a call.”

Customer: “I don’t have a phone!”

Me: “You can save your receipt and show it to us tomorrow. We’ll replace the whole order.”

Customer: “This is bullshit!”

(He then enters the drive-through on foot, weaving through cars in line, gets between the drive-through window and a car waiting to order and starts banging on the glass.)

Manager: “I’m sorry sir, I can’t open the window unless you’re in a car.”

Customer: “I don’t have my car anymore and you messed up my order. Tell your employees to open the door.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, we can’t unlock the doors once we’re closed. That’s our policy. If you return in the morning, we’ll be glad to help.”

Customer: “Don’t f*ck with me. I’ll call the cops on you! You can’t refuse service to me!”

(Just then, a car pulls up behind him. The woman driving rolls down her window.)

Woman: “Get in the f*cking car! Its not that big a deal.”

Customer: “They won’t fix our order!”

Woman: “Get in the f*cking car! This is f*cking embarrassing!”

(The man gets in and the car pulls up to the window.)

Woman: “I’m sorry. All that happened was you forgot to give us a burrito.”

Manager: “We’ll get that for you right away.”

(As soon as window is closed, the woman starts yelling at the man again.)

http://notalwaysright.com/the-lion-t...y-cabinet/1004

(Note: The women’s bathroom in our store has a large handicapped stall which also holds an 8 foot tall locked wooden storage cabinet for supplies. )

Coworker: “Thanks for calling *** Coffee, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, is this *** Coffee?”

Coworker: “Yes it is, how can I help you?”

Customer: “This is the *** Coffee in *** Square?”

Coworker: “Yes, it is.”

Customer: “The one with the bathroom?”

Coworker: “Uhhh… yes?”

Customer: “Oh, well, I’m calling from the women’s room. The door is locked and I cant get out.”

Coworker: “Well, if you turn the handle of the door and pull it should open.”

Customer: “There is no handle! I’m locked in!”

Coworker: “Okay, I’ll have someone over in a moment.”

Coworker, to me: “Ummm… so some lady locked herself in the bathroom and can’t get out.”

Me: “Seriously?”

(I head over to the bathroom, letting myself in with the spare keys. There is in fact a woman in the large stall, yelling for help.)

Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

Customer: “Well, your stupid door locked me into the stall and now I’m stuck in here! ”

(I can hear her fumbling with something, but it isn’t the stall door latch.)

Me: “Okay. Well, if you’ll just come over to the stall door, turning the knob should open it.”

Customer: “There is nothing to turn! The door only has a handle!”

Me: “It does. I’m standing on the other side of it.”

Customer: “Well, then why don’t YOU open it! You’ve already kept me locked in here for a half hour!”

(I fiddle with the lock and manage to open it from the outside after a moment, only to see the woman prying at the supply cabinet door.)

Customer: “Oh, I came in this door. I thought that one…” *points to supply cabinet* “… led to the men’s room.”

(Without another word, she walks out of the bathroom and out of the store.)

Coworker: “Maybe she was trying to get to Narnia?”

http://notalwaysright.com/its-best-t...-involved/1374

(I’m putting up price tags, and a woman is heard screaming on her phone off in the distance.)

Customer: “Why can’t I ever make you happy? Nothing I ever do for you is enough…. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? YOU’RE NEVER HAPPY!”

(She stops at the condoms section; the section I’m working on at the time, and grabs a 30-pack of condoms.)

Customer: “You know what? I’m getting condoms at ****. BE READY WHEN I GET HOME.” *storms off*

http://notalwaysright.com/marriage-t...ery-slope/2320

(I work in the shipping and receiving department of a furniture store, where customers ring a bell so I can give them their box. We also have a loading dock for semi’s.)

Outside: *BANG! BANG!*

(Alarmed, I go to the loading dock where I see an E-class Mercedes sliding repeatedly down the icy incline and crashing into the building.)

Me: “Sir! Sir! What are you doing?”

Customer: “I’m trying to pick up my f***ing table! You call this customer pick-up?”

Me: “No, Sir. We call this the loading dock. The customer service door is right over here.” *points at door*

Customer: “F***! Would you come down here and help push my car up the grade while I floor it?”

Me: “Sir, that incline is solid ice. If I slip or your car slides down, I could be killed. So, no, I won’t do that.”

Customer: “Well, f*** you!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Just ring this bell over here when you get out.”

(After a few more minutes and several more crashing noises, the bell rings. I open the door and it’s the same customer standing outside.)

Me: “Hello, sir. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I need this.” *hands me slip*

Me: “Okay, sir, I’ll have that ready right here for you. Would you like some help getting it into the car?”

Customer: “F*** you!”

(The customer takes the box by himself and attempts to fit box into his back seat but fails, as it’s filled with various items. He pulls out a child’s stroller and throws it across the road and into the woods, where it catches and hangs on a tree branch. He then proceeds to throw all other items in his car out onto road. The whole time, his wife is standing with me and watching.)

Customer’s wife: “Here you go.” *gives me a $10 tip*

Me: “Good luck with that guy.”

Customer’s wife: “Yeah, thanks. He’s still got to put that table together!”

[Cez★]

pinche mercedes gai

[theholycow]

(Tech Support | Nova Scotia, Canada)

Me: “Thank you for choosing [company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “My internet’s not working.”

Me: “Okay, I can help–”

Customer: “It’s your f***ing network!”

Me: “Okay, I can see your frustra–”

Customer: “[Company] is a piece of s***!”

Me: “Ma’am, we’re both people and I’d respect it if you treat me like one.”

Customer: *sigh* “Fix it.”

Me: “Your ethernet cords unplugged.”

(The customer notices this and plugs in ethernet cord.)

Customer: “Oh, I’m sorry.”

[stonehenge]

tard

[Cez★]

would told bish to hang self from unplugged ethernet cable

[linden]

i was at a wendys on way to tallahasee i already ordered my food and my aunt was ordering.

aunt: Can i get X salad.

wendys employee: would you like a large or small salad?

aunt: how big is the small?

wendys employee: half the size of the large..........(and stared at my aunt)

aunt: (female version)

Me: then i realized she wasnt trying to be funny

after an akward silence

Aunt well i guess i get the small