LOL pics? :bishplz: LOL text...

[theholycow]

(University | England, UK)

(I’m working clearing, which is when we take in calls about students who are in their last ditch effort to get into the university.)

Me: “Okay, that’s fine. I’m going to process your application now. Can I please take your first name?”

Student: “Yes. It’s…” *unintelligible speech*

Me: “Can you please spell that for me?”

Student: “Ugh, if I have to. It’s K…” *unintelligible*

Me: “Okay, can you repeat that for me? It starts with K?”

Student: “Yeah, you know. K as in Chicken.”

(I am eating with my girlfriend. There is a family of four at the table on the other side of us. I notice something odd about one of the kids at the other side of the table.)

Me: “Uh, sweetie.”

Girlfriend: “Yes?”

Me: *whispering* “I think that little kid over there is looking at your boobs.”

(She motions her eyes to the other table, where a boy, around 5 years old watches us. My girlfriend looks at him with a slightly odd stare.)

Me: “They start young.”

BAMF kid

(Retail | UK)

(A girl, no older than 7, is counting items on the shelves.)

Me: “So, you like to count? What’s your favorite number?”

Girl: *cheerfully* “69!”

Me: *pause and glance at her mother* “Oh, that’s gr–”

Mother: *nervously* “Uh, um, her grandma just turned 69 today. She didn’t mean that!” *drags her daughter away*

(Restaurant | Dayton, OH, USA)

Customer: *frantically* “Ma’am? Ma’am! My noodles are extremely dry!”

Me: “Those are not noodles. They are tortilla strips.”

(I am the elf at a Santa’s Grotto display in a shopping centre. A very well-dressed, eloquent boy, no older than 5, sits on Santa’s lap.)

Santa: “Merry Christmas, young sir! Have you been a good boy this year?”

Boy: “Oh yes, Santa! I’ve been extra good all this year because mummy and daddy said if I am extra good, I can have whatever I want!”

(Santa looks up to the smiling parents, who are nodding approvingly.)

Santa: “Well, it does seem you have been EXTRA good this year! What would you like?”

Boy: “Angelina Jolie.”

(Santa looks again at the parents, who continue to smile and nod like this is a standard request.)

Santa:“You’d like Angelina Jolie for Christmas?”

Boy: “Because I’ve been extra good!”

Santa: “I’m sorry little guy, I don’t think she would fit in my sack.”

Boy: “Oh don’t worry, I don’t want Brad Pitt. You can give him to someone else!”

[shootermcgavin003]

id request a whore too

idk about her but def a whore

[theholycow]

(Donut Shop | Manila, Philippines)

Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Five boxes, dozen donuts each, right now.”

Me: “Okay, is there any specific–”

(Suddenly, I hear a woman screaming in the background.)

Woman: “Donuts! NOW!”

(The caller gets back on the phone.)

Caller: “Whatever flavors you have. Five dozen donuts A-S-A-motherf***ing-P!”

Me: “Um, alright, that’ll be [price]. How much change should our deliveryman bring?”

Caller: “I will give your delivery guy all the money I have in the house! Just get him here before my wife sits on me and hits me with the freakin’ remote control!”

(Retail | Onley, VA, USA)

(I work in the electronics department of a large retail chain.)

Customer: “Hello, I was looking to find the new Twilight.”

Me: “All of our Twilight movies are located over here. I can show you–”

Customer: “I need to find Breaking Dawn.”

Me: “Oh, well, our book department is this way–”

Customer: “No, no, no! I have the book already. I need the movie!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, but Breaking Dawn doesn’t come out until Friday.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll just come back then.”

Me: “Ma’am, I meant it comes out in theaters on Friday.”

Customer: “So, you won’t have the DVD by Christmas?”

Me: “I’m sorry, no.”

Customer: “That’s just confusing! Why would the book come out before the movie?! It’s so weird!”

(911 | Oklahoma City, OK, USA)

(Okahoma has been getting a few earthquakes lately and apparently not everyone is used to them yet.)

Me: “911, where is your emergency?”

Caller: “Yeah, um, I’d like to report that my house just shook.”

Me: “Yes, sir, that was an earthquake. Is anyone injured?”

Caller: “Oh! Is THAT what that was? Nevermind!”

...maybe they thought Hell was going to rise up from below through their house?

---------- Post added at 02:47 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:32 PM ----------

(Grocery Store | Indiana, USA)

(A very attractive woman approaches me at my office desk.)

Customer: “Where can I find the condoms…oh, never mind. I see them.”

(She walks over, grabs a bottle of ketchup, and checks out.)

Condoms...condiments...what's the damn difference, right?

[shootermcgavin003]

id fuck her with either

[stonehenge]

In another episode of "retail IT guy", here's a fun conversation I had with a customer several days ago.
For some backstory, we backed up and reinstalled her system, then reimported the data back into the right place. On the invoice, this shows up as a "operating system install with data copy".

customer walks angrily into the store and comes to the service counter

Customer: Where is my backup?

Me: you were in yesterday right? we reinstalled your system, but we put the backup back into the right places. It should all be there.

Customer: But it was all there before you started doing the work. It says right here that you copied my data. Where do you copy it?

Me: We back up the data to a temporary drive and then copy it back onto your computer after windows is installed

Customer: It was already there, I paid for a data copy, I want a copy of my data!

Me: ... you have it. It is on the computer. That is your copy of the data.

Customer: What drive did you copy it to. Do you still have the copy?

Me: We retain all data we back up for a week. It is on this drive. shows the drive

Customer: That's my backup, give me the drive.

Me: You want... our drive?

Customer: Well I paid for it didn't I?

Me: No, you paid for us copying the data to your computer

Customer: IT WAS ALREADY THERE BEFORE YOU STARTED. Give me that drive!

Me: ... I can give you an extra copy, do you have something I can put it on to?

Customer: I paid for that drive already, what do you mean?

Me: You paid for the copy service, not the hard-drive itself. I need something to put it on to.

Customer: Just put the copy on my computer.

Me: (too fed up to argue): Fine, I'll put another copy on the computer. You'll have to leave it with us.

Customer: Can't you do it while I wait?

Me: You have over 100,000 files including the old program files.

Customer: No I don't, I have 3 files. My Documents... iTunes... and... Microsoft!

Me: ... I can't get to it right now, I have other people to serve. It also takes a long time, the files are compressed on my drive.

Customer: If the files are compressed, it takes less time, not more time.

Me: ...
I don't think I could trust myself to speak to this woman, so I simply handed her a job card

Me: ... It will be ready some time tomorrow. Don't call us, we'll call you.

[theholycow]

---------- Post added at 01:39 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:11 PM ----------

(I have been dating my boyfriend for a few months and want to tell him how I am feeling. My boyfriend is doing a PhD in math and is extremely, painstakingly accurate about everything.)

Me: “You make me really happy. I’ve really enjoyed the time we’ve been spending together. I feel really strongly about you.”

(My boyfriend nods and smiles. I wait expectantly for a response, but he just looks confused.)

Me: “Well? Don’t you feel the same as I do?”

Boyfriend: “No.”

Me: “What! Why not?”

Boyfriend: “Well, I feel analogously to what I perceive to be the way you feel. Since I am not you, and therefore cannot experience your feelings directly, I cannot say that I feel the same as you do because I can never know exactly how you feel. I feel that what I understand you to be describing as your experience is something that I agree with and relate to, but it would be inaccurate to say that I ‘feel the same’.”

That dude is my new hero.

(Plumber | Hartford, Connecticut, USA)

(This is in the middle of a storm that knocked out the power of over a million people.)

Me: “[Company] plumbing and heating. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, my hot water heater is broken.”

Me: “Okay, is it gas, oil, or electric?”

Customer: “Electric.”

Me: “All right. Because of the storm, I won’t be able to get there until tomorrow morning.”

Customer: “Are you kidding me? I don’t have any lights and now I won’t get any hot water, either?”

Me:“I’m sorry. What do you mean you don’t have any lights?”

Customer: “My power’s out. Now you expect me to go without hot water too?”

Me: “If your water heater is electric, it isn’t broken. It won’t work if your power’s out.”

Customer: “So, fix it!”

Me: “I’m a plumber, not electrician.”

Customer: “So, give me another type of heater!”

Me: “Do you have a natural gas line or oil tank I could connect it to?”

Customer: “No, I have electric.”

Me: “If you don’t have oil or gas, what am I supposed to hook the new heater up to?”

Customer: “I don’t know! You’re the plumber. You figure it out!”

Yup, that's New England for you.

(Retail | California, USA )

(I’m working a register as a odd looking man approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, sexy, I have a complaint.”

(I just ignore the “sexy” part and move on.)

Me: “What’s the problem, sir?”

Customer: “That’s not your line! Do you want me in this f***ing porno or what?!”

Me: “Excuse me?!”

Customer: “You aren’t the girl, are you?”

Me: “Um…I’m afraid not.”

Customer: “Oh, okay, then! Have a good day, miss! God bless you!”

Me: *speechless*

(Retail | Pune, India)

(I am a customer checking out at a famous Indian supermarket. To make things faster, I am putting the stuff from my cart onto the conveyor belt. Among my purchases is a pack of condoms.)

Customer behind me: “I can’t believe you are buying condoms! Don’t you know that sex is evil? Only the devil does it!”

(I am kind of taken aback, but I reply with an evil twinkle in my eye.)

Me: “Well, if sex is only for the devil and I don’t use condoms, then you’ll be seeing the devil’s kid next year!”

Customer behind me: *crosses himself and stares at me until I leave the store*

(My husband works as the surveyor for a huge infrastructure project. I call him at work, while he is out in the field.)

Me: “Hey, do you want me to see if I can get a sitter for tomorrow night? We haven’t done date night in a long time.”

(We have two kids, so date night is code for hanky panky.)

Husband: “Huh? Yeah, sure.”

Me: “Where do you want to go for dinner? I have a sexy new dress I think you’re going to like.”

(There’s no answer from my husband, but I can hear him muttering something about concrete.)

Me: “Hello? Hello! What are you doing?”

Husband: “Nothing. So, yeah, um, that sounds nice. Wait, what did you say?”

Me: “You know, you could at least pretend that you’re listening.”

Husband: “I am pretending!”

Sounds like something I'd do.

---------- Post added at 01:44 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:39 PM ----------

I don't get this one:

(A dad and his children are in my checkout line. I’m ringing up items for the family when I hear his children talking to each other.)

8-year old son: “Want to hear a joke?

5-year old son: “Yeah!”

8-year old son: “Knock knock.”

5-year old son: “Who’s there?”

8-year old son: “Merry!”

5-year old son: “Merry who?”

8-year old son: “Merry, it’s almost Christmas!”

(I laugh.)

Dad: *looking at me and laughing too* “Yeah, I was wondering where he was going with that.”

---------- Post added at 01:49 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:44 PM ----------

(A mother and her teenage son come through my line…)

Me: “Hello, did you find everything you need?”

Mother: “Yes, we did.”

(I notice she is buying party items, including cups, soda, pizzas, napkins… and condoms.)

Me: “Oh, are you having a party soon?”

Mother: *nods* “My little James is growing up. He’s going to have an orgy with all his little friends, aren’t you Captain Muffinpants?”

Me: *suppresses laughter* “Will that be all?”

Son: “YES! YES THAT WILL BE ALL!” *runs to car*

:rofluhohwtf:

[Cez★]

:pinchemom:

[theholycow]

(Restaurant | Las Vegas, NV, USA)

Customer: “Wow, you’re ugly as sin.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “This is Vegas! You girls are supposed to be hot. I can’t believe they’d hire an ugly girl in Vegas!”

Me: “Would you like me to get you a more attractive waitress?”

Customer: “Yes, definitely!”

(I’m sitting on the top of a 10 foot slide, helping little kids up so their parents can climb up with them. A dad walks over with a baby who looks a little under a year old.)

Me: “Want me to help get him up for you?”

Father: “Nah, I got him.”

(He holds the baby like a foot ball.)

Me: “Sir, I’m not sure how safe that is.”

Father: “Ready? Fly!”

(He throws the baby head first to the slide, to reveal the baby’s wearing a large cape. The mother comes running over.)

Mother: “George! How many times do I have to tell you?! Robbie is not super-baby!”

(I am buying some popcorn for my young daughter.)

Daughter: “Dad, what’s in popcorn?”

Me: “Uhm…well, that’s a good…I don’t know. Miss, what’s in popcorn?”

Concessions worker: “Corn.”

Me: “Well, that was embarrassing.”

(We are on a family vacation to Italy. We eat at the same pizzeria every evening. The cook comes out as we are leaving, and I want to say thank you.)

Me: “Grazi, sir! Your food is amazing!”

Cook: “You’re welcome! See you tomorrow!”

Dad: “Yeah! Gracias! Sayonara!”

Me: *walks quickly away*

(I work in a specialty bookstore. We have a number of plush toys from various science-fiction series around the store. A man walks in with his 3-4 year old daughter. He leaves her by the counter while he looks at books. She proceeds to ask what all the toys in the store are. She points at the Xenomorph by the register.)

Little girl: “What’s that?”

Me: “It’s a Xenomorph. They’re from the movie Aliens.”

Little girl: “They pop from your tummy!”

Me: “Chest, actua–wait, how do you know that?!”

(Pharmacy | Germany)

(An elderly gentleman approaches me at the counter.)

Me: “How may I help you, sir?”

Customer: “My butt hurts! I need medicine!”

Me: “All right, do you have a prescription? Or, can you tell me what exactly is wrong so that I can recommend you something that doesn’t need one?”

Customer: “I don’t know what’s wrong. But my butt hurts!”

Me: “Please go see a doctor then, sir. Without knowing what causes your pain, there’s little I can do.”

Customer: “But I don’t want to wait at the doctor’s together with all the sick people! I’ll catch a disease or something!”

Me: “That’s understandable. Maybe you could go early in the morning when fewer people are there?”

Customer: “No! I don’t want to! I want you to tell me what’s wrong! Look at my butt!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but we don’t do that–”

(The man doesn’t listen. In front of me and three other customers, he drops his pants and underwear, turns around and sticks out his butt in my direction.)

Me: “Sir, please pull up your pants again! I can’t tell what’s wrong and you will have to leave if you don’t stop that!”

Customer: “Nonsense! If you can’t tell what’s wrong from over there, come closer and get a better look!”

(My boss then comes to look at what’s going on and ends up kicking the guy out.)

Customer: *on the way out the door* “Why will no one look at my butt?!”

(My mom is wearing a nightgown. She bends over to pick up something, and my dad can see her panties. Both my parents are incredibly childish.)

Dad: “Woohoo!”

Mom: “What? What are you yelling at?”

Dad: “I can see your panties!”

Mom: *singing* “I see London, I see France, I see wifey’s underpants!”

(Dad is speechless.)

Mom: *continues singing* “Are they blue, are they pink? I dunno, but they sure stink!”

Dad: *to me* “Dear God, I think I broke your mother.”

Me: “I think so too.”

(And for the next 20 minutes, they both continue to sing rhymes to each other. At least they love each other, and at least I have headphones.)

(Restaurant | Miramar Beach, FL, USA)

(I am a hostess at a rather upscale restaurant. A couple walks in and the man has a particularly impressive handlebar mustache. I usually chat with guests while I’m seating them.)

Me: “So, [server] is your server tonight. She’ll be taking great care of you.”

Customer: “Can [server] give us a good discount?”

Me: *laughing* “I’m sure if you take it up with her she’ll consider it. You might want to twist that ‘stache in a debonair fashion to convince her.”

Customer: “I can offer a mustache ride.”

Me: “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”

Girlfriend: “Thank you.”

[stonehenge]

[linden]

Originally Posted by theholycow

2. i think thats a troll or a parent with downs

6. and hence why my girlfriend decided to go into clinical pharmacy and not retail

8. fucking el o el

[stonehenge]

Saw this on Reddit:

I know we're just a few weeks in, but I think our department got our ticket of 2012

Actual customer inquiry:

Tried using the Support Mail form in [product] but could not connect. Have tried to download thenewesr version of [product] to no avail. Clicked run two times and save once but neither worked despite rewriting the setup file. Why is this so difficult? What do I do to make this work? What did I hit that the letters now slant?
Help

and I also jested at the first comment on reddit:

You're already a few weeks into 2012? I haven't even finished my first week yet.

[lowerc]

You're already a few weeks into 2012? I haven't even finished my first week yet.

exactly what I thought

[stonehenge]

A new IP phone system (with voice mailboxes) was installed a couple of years ago in our company. "Logically", IT became the responsible department. THEE boss made some policy decisions about telephones that have been considered not so logical (read: stupid) - I'm guessing based on his own personal opinions.

• Departments are not allowed to have voice mail, (although the system was purchased specifically with this feature) because he fears "employees will not answer the phones and let it go to voice mail". Thus, calls are not answered if the person is not in their office. ಠ_ಠ

• He requested I.T. set up music on hold for the phone system. I.T. set up about 50 adult contemporary songs on an Ipod Nano to be put on shuffle/loop and plugged it into the phone system (we have ASCAP and BMI licensing in place). He didn't like our selection of music, so insisted that we plug in a FM radio tuned to his favorite station that plays 1 or 2 of the same type of adult contemporary songs but also 30 minutes of commercials per hour. Now our customers/clients that have to be put on hold get to hear tons of shitty screaming car sales commercials. ಠ_ಠ

• Occasionally complains about our automated phone menus. We don't even have that feature available and have to explain this to him at least twice a year. He confuses our telephone system with another business he frequently calls. ಠ_ಠ

• Refuses to answer any ringing phone that he may be near, because that's "what my assistant is for". But later tells us the phone was ringing when we were behind the server rack, under a desk fixing power issues or scrambling to get a domain controller back on line. I'm not sure what we are supposed to do with this information other than to be informed that we missed a call. ಠ_ಠ

[theholycow]

[theholycow]

Email about fire evacuation procedure....

Cow-orker: I can’t remember what door we went out for the last fire drill. Over the years we have used both. Can you let me know if it is the side door by the parking lot or the front door?

Cao: As I remember, it’s not about what door you use but where everybody meets up. I think you use whichever door is not currently on fire, then walk to the gathering area in the parking lot.

[stonehenge]

[C.D.S.]

Hmmmm!

[C.D.S.]

? 'ello,'ello,'ello. What's going on here then?

[Cez★]

[C.D.S.]

I just found Jesus.
Honestly,I'd lose my head if it wasn't screwed on.?

[stonehenge]

[theholycow]

Welcome. Say hi to Jesus for me.

[C.D.S.]

My wife doesn't understand me.
I wished she'd learn to speak bloody English!

[theholycow]

Credence Threadwater Revival up in this bitch, I've got a lot of these to post.

(Coffee Shop | Ontario, Canada)

Empty Cup Syndrome

Me: “Good morning, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like a large tea, with cream and sugar on the side.”

Me: “Okay, just to clarify, the cream and sugar are both on the side?”

Customer: “On the side means it’s not in the cup.”

Me: “Okay, so they’re both on the side?”

Customer: “ON THE SIDE MEANS THEY’RE NOT IN THE CUP!”

Me: “Okay, so you have cream and sugar on the side.”

Customer: “I DON’T WANT ANYTHING IN THE CUP!”

Me: “Okay, so you have a large black tea with cream and sugar on the side. That will be [price], and you can pick your tea up at the end.”

(I go make the drink, get the cream and sugar on the side, and give it to the customer.)

Me: “Okay, one large black tea with cream and sugar on the side.”

Customer: “So, there’s nothing in the cup, right?”

Me: *speechless*

(My boyfriend and I are at the movies. The commercial that’s on the screen is one of a movie where two secret agents fight over a woman, a feud which escalates into a war. I lean over and whisper into my boyfriend’s ear.)

Me: “I hope you never start a war over me.”

Him: “No. It’ll just be a quiet assassination.”

(Electronics Store | Florida, USA)

(I am working the register at a well-known video game store, when a customer approaches with a stack of games and his son.)

Me: “That will be $87.96.”

Customer: “Here.” *gives me a gift card worth $25*

Me: *processes gift card* “Your balance is $62.96.”

Customer: “What do you I do now?”

Me: “You give me more money.”

Customer: “Oh, sorry. I have never been here before…”

(Tech Support | Winnipeg, MB, Canada)

Me: “Here is the number. Do you have a pen?”

Customer: “No, I’ve never used one before…”

(My mom is visiting for the weekend when my 3-year-old daughter bursts into the bathroom. It’s a running joke in the family that my husband hates it when his daughters run around the house without clothes on.)

My mom: *still undressed after her shower* “Close the door! Your dad’s right out there!”

My daughter: “Oh, it’s okay. Daddy doesn’t like naked little girls, but he likes naked ladies!”

[Dubyagee]

Thread titles, How do they work?