07-30-2011, 12:39 PM
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#16
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Bovinus Administratus
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Greener pastures
Posts: 32,377
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Someone find this picture.
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous...+%28FMyLife%29
Today, I saw my picture in an architecture magazine. I'm not an architect. I was walking up a flight of "magnificently built" stairs as my skirt lifted to show an absence of underwear. FML
Cez's mom?
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous...+%28FMyLife%29
Today, someone came over and told my mother, "I'm your son's friend Morris, I need to get something out of his car", so she gave him the keys. I have no friend called Morris, and now I don't have a sound system either. FML
http://notalwaysright.com/ill-take-a...f-innuendo/443
Quote:
(I was a pump attendant (Oregon is a no-self-serve state) and a fairly attractive middle-aged woman in a mid 90′s Ford pickup pulled up for fuel. Now, that style of truck has two gas tanks, one in front, one in back. Here’s our conversation
Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”
Her: “I just need ten bucks worth of diesel, please.”
Me: “Okay, which tank?”
Her: “Oh, I think I’ll take it in the rear tonight!”
(We both paused, she turned bright red, and it was all I could do not to bust out laughing!)
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http://notalwaysright.com/fully-arme...nine-wiles/660
Quote:
(A very attractive woman gets out of a Mercedes. She is wearing a mini skirt and halter top. Her outfit leaves nothing to the imagination.)
Attractive Customer: “I need 20 on 3.”
Me: “Okay.” *I ring her up and she pays*
Attractive Customer: “So is someone else working or do you pump the gas?”
Me: “This is a self-service station; we don’t pump the gas for you.”
Attractive Customer: “Well, there is no way I am pumping the gas myself.”
Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t pump the gas for you.”
Attractive Customer: “This is no way to get a tip! I am the customer and I want you to pump the gas for me.”
Me: “I’m sorry, but if I leave the counter I could be fired. As I said this is a self service station; it means you have to do it yourself.”
Attractive Customer: “FINE!”
(She then walks out to her car and yells…)
Attractive Customer: “Is someone going to pump me or do I have to do it myself?!”
*every guy at the station goes running over to help her*
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http://notalwaysright.com/ah-mothers/1234
Quote:
(A mother and her teenage son come through my line…)
Me: “Hello, did you find everything you need?”
Mother: “Yes, we did.”
(I notice she is buying party items, including cups, soda, pizzas, napkins… and condoms.)
Me: “Oh, are you having a party soon?”
Mother: *nods* “My little James is growing up. He’s going to have an orgy with all his little friends, aren’t you Captain Muffinpants?”
Me: *suppresses laughter* “Will that be all?”
Son: “YES! YES THAT WILL BE ALL!” *runs to car*
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http://notalwaysright.com/welcome-to...-part-3-2/1259
Quote:
(I am watering the plants in the nursery, about two hours before closing time, and see a customer down the aisle.)
Me: “Can I help you find anything, sir? ”
Customer: “Uh… uh… ”
(I then notice that he’s peeing on some of our boxwoods.)
Me: “What–”
Customer: “I AM THE TERROR THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT!” ¬†*zips up and runs out*
Coworker: “Did that guy just quote Darkwing Duck at you?!”
Me: *drops watering hose* “I’m taking a break.”
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Win.
http://notalwaysright.com/thisisspyware/1371
Quote:
Customer: “Hi, my son says that I have spartans on my laptop and I should bring it to you guys.”
Me: “…Ma’am? Spartans?”
Customer: “Yes, I called my son at school and told him that screens keep popping up all the time, and he said that I have spartans.”
Me: “Oh! You mean trojans! That’s a possibility; let me run this analyzer on your laptop real quick and we’ll see what’s going on.”
Customer: “Young man, my son is in college and he says it has spartans. You just stand here in a little uniform and make minimum wage. I think my son knows what he is talking about.”
Me: “You’re right ma’am. I was hoping to run a diagnostic and find out that it wasn’t spartans, but just by looking at the login screen, I can tell that you probably have about 300 of the little guys running around.”
Customer: “300?! Is that bad?”
Me: “It’s horrible. They cram themselves into a bottleneck and kill wave after wave of data, until there is a wall of dead programs blocking any more traffic through your computer.”
Customer: “Oh, that just figures. I’m going to go buy a new computer.”
Me: “Ok, ma’am, I think that would be best.”
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