[theholycow]

(Pharmacy | California, USA)

(I work in the OTC section of a well-known pharmacy chain. I’m stocking the shelves in an aisle when a customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me. I’ve looked all over here. Where are your hemorrhoid wipes?”

Me: “Oh, those are actually down on Aisle 20.”

Customer: “Really? Why are they over there and not in this aisle with the rest of the anal care?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “Anal care!” *points at the aisle’s sign*

(The sign she was pointing at? “Analgesics”.)

(Movie Theater | Minden, NV, USA)

(I am cleaning the lobby in the theater when a female customer comes out of the restroom. She goes to use the drinking fountain. As with most businesses, the restrooms are located right next to the fountain.)

Customer: *aghast* “This is disgusting!”

Me: “Is there something wrong with the tap, ma’am? We do clean it often but I haven’t made it over there yet this round.”

Customer: “No, it is lovely. You do a fine job. It was just horrible!”

Me: “If there is nothing wrong, why was it horrible?”

Customer: “Because when I was drinking the water, I heard a toilet flush in the restroom and it made the water pressure go down!”

Me: “Well, yes. The plumbing is connected as they both draw from the–”

Customer: “That water that I was drinking? A minute later, if I hadn’t come along, it would have been used to flush someone’s waste? That is so disgusting! I can’t believe it!”

Me: “Well, would you rather the water pressure went up when you heard the flush?”

(The customer takes a step back and looks confused. Suddenly, the implication of my statement reaches her nearly hysterical mind and she flees the building with a look of horror on her face.)

(Call Center | South Australia, Australia)

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I was wondering if I can get my customer account number? I seem to have lost it.”

Me: “Not a problem. I just need to ask you a few questions to verify your identity. What is your full name?”

(The customer gives me his first and last name. I find him in the system, but I require him to state his full name with first, second, and last name. At this point, I notice that his second name is a bit…unusual.)

Me: *trying not to giggle* “I’m sorry, but I will require your full name, your first, second, and last name.”

Customer: “Really? Haha, but I was drunk when I registered. Do I really have to say it? You can see it right there. Surely, I don’t need to say it out loud?”

Me: “Yes, I can see it. It certainly helps in the identification process, which is why I need you to say it for me.”

Customer: “All right. Okay, my name is [first name] buttmonkey [last name].”

Me: “Thank you–”

Customer: “I really need to net nanny the Internet when I drink.”